Life's a dilemma

I start to enjoy taking care of her myself. Watching her grow bigger each day, understanding her feeding and sleeping patterns and discovering her little details like a favourite song become a pleasure. Even watching her 'mum mum mum-ing' her cereal now is amusing to me. It is a strange feeling. I never see myself as a parent, and it has never occur to me that such a social butterfly like me can find joy in parenting. True, parenting is tough. It is the most tedious, most challenging and most energy consuming project I have received in my life. Countless sacrifices have to be made. Gone were the late night supper sessions. Lunch with girlfriends has to cut short as she needs to be fed. The first thing to consider when we go shopping is if there is a nursing room. I make myself eliminate caffeine, alcohol and minimise MSG in my diet to provide the best quality of breastmilk. I also have to think THRICE before buying a new skirt, now that I am not working. Nonetheless, I didn't regret bringing her into this world. 

I cannot describe the joy upon witnessing her first roll, the pride when people commented how her cheeks resemble mine, the delight on seeing her weight increase during monthly check ups. 

I enjoy taking care of her so much I evem consider being a full time mummy.  This is definately what Daddy B wants.  He didn't have the luxury of having a a full time mummy when he was young and he wants Baby R to enjoy it. I know what he means. My mum was a housewife and took care of my sister and I solely. She may not be highly educated but she knows the importance of owning certificates in this society. Perhaps without her suspervision on both academics and character we would not be who we are now. 

She, on the other hand discourages me to stay at home full time like her. I should be out working while I am still young, she advises. I think she secretly wants to take care of Baby R lah. Haha. Which is actually the most desirable. Who else can I trust more other than the woman who gave birth to me, with a recent 10 years experience of babysitting. 

But what's most important is what Mummy R wants, right? Honestly I miss my flying career. I miss watching plays in London, eating my unagi-don in Tokyo and shopping in San Francisco. What is more important is I miss my salary too. It is depressing to see my bank account being stagnant, and worse, dropping in figures. I no longer am able to buy things I fancy and got to think twice before spending. I even start to compare prices between brands in supermarkets to save a few cents. At the same time, I really enjoy time with dearest Baby R and would hate to miss any milestones she hits. What if I am away when she can speak her first word? What if I am not around when she is not feeling well? What should I do if she pleads 'Mummy stay with me' when I am preparing for work? 

Dilemma dilemma. I can't have the best of both worlds, can I?